exastris_scientia | retired open post // will still tag in if threads are ongoing!

[ Liquor, other people, assorted drugs, and other thing came to his senses as he focused more on their surroundings. He'd known about this when he first got with TJ, but he wasn't going to force him into something he wasn't ready for. He was there to help if he needed it. If he wanted it, because really that was the only way there would ever be a change.

He tried to block out the disarray around them both in the cluttered mess. He took a breath, and honed in on the stutter stop start again of his pulse as he spoke, and the other man curled in more on himself. It hurt, hearing what he said. He remembers when his mother would wake up whispering his father's name. He never, ever, wished this kind of pain on Lois or TJ.

Clark's hand moves from his shoulder, and then up in a gentle brush through his hair. ]

I'll still be here, I promise. [ beat. ] I haven't lied to you before, I'm not about to start now.

Come on, wake up, TJ.

[ Everything he says rings true. Clark never lied to him, never kept anything when he could have. Once those words worked their way through his addled mind, TJ shifts, curling tighter for an instant before slowly stretching out in a feline manner to take up the entire length of the couch. But turning so his back isn’t to Clark took longer. A cold fear claws at him, a sort of knowing that when he turns he’ll find himself alone, taunted by nothing more than a pleasant dream.

He cranes his neck first, daring to shoot a look out of the corner of his eyes. But the moment he sees Clark, even just a glimpse of him, TJ scrambles off the couch, clutching his shoulders to reassure himself they’re solid and real. ]

This can’t be real…

[ Clark waits, patient as ever, as he uncurls and takes over the whole of the couch. Waits longer still as he turns a bit, hearing the stop start in they rhythm of his heart and his uncertainty.

He doesn't pull his hand away fully when he scrambles up, but he does let it slide out of his hair and back down to his shoulder. Clark smiles, eyes a little wet, just like they had been with both his mother and Lois, and he's utterly quiet for a moment. He lets him grip his shoulders, not trying to break the contact between them any time soon. ]

It is real, I'm here. [ He reaches up in order to take his other shoulder in one hand, and pulls him into a hug. ] I'm here.

[ He’s hallucinating, he has to be! TJ’s eyes wander over him, looking for some flaw, some evidence of a sick joke played by a mind finally shattered. Of course he can’t find anything. Once more his pulse speeds up, but this time it doesn’t slow. Fingers curl into the fabric of Clark’s shirt before TJ’s pulled close into that familiar (and reassuring) embrace.

He whines softly, then wraps his arms around Clark in turn, as if to never let him go again. ]

I went to your funeral…

[ But he isn't, and Clark will hold onto him for as long as he needs to in order to prove as much to him. He can feel his fingers curling in his shirt, the rapid fire beat of his heart that isn't slowing down, and there is so much he wishes he could take back every second of pain and grief he's felt over the time that he wasn't there. He can't, and it shows in the way the whine escapes him. ]

Ma and Lois said. [ His voice is hoarse, suddenly, with emotion. ] Said you spent about a week with them, and then left. Lo was worried. I told her I'd find you.

[ Clark ducks his head a little, nose buried in the fabric of TJ's shirt. Despite the scent of alcohol, drugs, and strangers, there is an overwhelming scent underneath he can still pick up that belongs to TJ. He missed that scent, and he squeezes his eyes shut as he breathes it in. ]

I don't really know how to explain it.

[ Of course they worried. TJ swallows hard, biting back the taste of guilt. He didn’t mean to upset them, but he didn’t want them to see him falling apart. He’s been there enough with his own family, he just can’t stand that one look people get. He didn’t want to see it on Lois’s face.

Rather than address that issue, he clutched tighter, savoring the too-familiar press of Clark’s frame and all the comfort his warmth brings. He’s a pillar, a bright spot in an otherwise bleak life. Tj can’t help but to be overwhelmed by him all over again. ]

Then don’t. You’re here. How doesn’t matter.

[ Lois might have been exasperated by it, and Martha might not have approved, but they wouldn't have given him grief over it. Everybody grieves in their own way, and goodness knows they aren't all healthy ways.

After a few moments he pulls back, and reaches up to cup TJ's face in his hands. He hadn't seen him at the end like he had Lois. He'd seen him a day or so before everything went to hell, but then Luthor and --- He'd never been able to say goodbye to him. ]

Ok, I won't.

[ TJ’s too accustomed to disapproval and judgement. He’s got it all his life, especially from the people who are supposed to love and support him. Clark’s been a notable exception. He never pushed for TJ to to give up his vices, he simply encourage TJ to ditch them on his own.

His eyes fall shut and TJ leans his cheek into Clark’s hands. He remembers the soft and hard parts of them, how gentle they are with him in spite of their strength. ]

I’m scared I’m dreaming.

[ If there's one thing that Clark hopes he can break the cycle of, is the disappointment that TJ is convinced is coming from his simply being. Now that he's back, however it is that came to pass, he can get back to trying to change that. Clark has never been the sort to push without undue cause, and at the end of the day, the decision to quit his vices had to be his choice, or he'd just find another way back to them.

Clark's smile softens as he feels TJ press his cheek into his palm, feels the stubble scrape against the skin, and leans in, letting their foreheads touch, and noses bump. After a moment, he finally speaks: ]

I can only imagine, but you're not. I promise you, you're not.

[ The little bump of his head brought a sigh from TJ, a degree of relief. His brows furrow and he breathes in deeply. The scent brings back memories of that first night they went out, when TJ got them kicked out of the bar and they still went for ice cream after. Somewhere along the line, he made a good impression on Clark.

But this was too real to be some grief-induced dream. Enough people came and went from his apartment in the interim for TJ to recognize the real weight of Clark’s touch, the real scent of him. ]

I believe you.

[ Clark remembers that night fondly and well. He remembers sharing his ice cream under faux duress. He also remembers TJ being frustrated that Clark wasn't even tipsy. He didn't find out until months later the exact reasons why. He definitely made a good impression on Clark, and this doesn't set him back.

Everyone grieves in a different way, he knows from experience with his father. ]

Good. Now how about we get you cleaned up?

[ A weak laugh answers him and TJ pries open his eyes to gaze at Clark with nothing short of loving warmth. ]

My bath isn’t big enough for two.

[ Clark can't help the smile that comes to his face, hurting his cheeks with it, and the fond sigh that escapes him. ]

Well, it might be a bit of a squeeze, but I think we can manage just this once. Or I may just owe the landlord for water damage. Wouldn't be the first time.

[ A look of feigned shock overtakes his features leaving TJ wide-eyed and agape. ]

Scandalous! Who else have you been squeezing into tiny bathtubs with?

[ The mock expression and the way he leans back to stare causes him to chuckle heartily. ]

Only one person, and you know just who that is. I don't think I have it in me to handle any more than that. [ A gentle tease, but also the truth. He also, wouldn't want to. He loves the both of them, and that is more than enough. ]

[ He can't help smiling, even if it's a little worn, a little tired from all that's happened. ]

Pretty sure hers is bigger than mine.

[ He wishes he could do more to smooth away that worn look and those lines of grief that have aged both Lois, TJ, and his mother. He wants to erase it, but he knows he can't.

That hurts worse than anything. ]

You'll just have to use me as a pillow or sorts then. Safety flotation device, maybe?

[ TJ can't help laughing at the suggestion. ] My hero.

[ He doesn't say anything more, the relief that Clark is alive so extreme he lacks the language to express it. Instead, he hauls himself off the couch and holds out a hand. ]

[ Oh, he'd have turned down Heaven and clawed his way out of Hell in order to hear that laugh just once more before all of this. Clark is worn in his own ways, but like Atlas, he stubbornly refuses to show it.

The only slip that might give it away is his response, even as he takes TJ's hand to get up and follow the other man. ]

No, just Clark tonight.

[ TJ's fingers curl between Clark's, leading him through the apartment to the bathroom. It's small, sure, but with two of them in there it's downright cramped. Without a word, TJ starts the water running, letting it getting hot before stoppering the drain. Then he turns back, a serious expression on his face. ]

Clark's all I ever need.

[ The gentle way he curls his hand, fingers winding between TJ's is the same as ever. His strength, unchecked, could easily do damage, but he reserves such reverence for those in his life. It isn't that they are always fragile, but that they are compared to him, and so caution is needed.

He watches as TJ starts the water and stops the tub after it is hot enough, ducking his head at the serious expression. When he raises his head there's a coy look ghosting over his face. ]

Even when I didn't want to share my ice cream and I got us kicked out of a bar?

[ A slow smile spreads over TJ's lips. He draws nearer -- as if they're terribly far apart in the small space -- and lays his hands on Clark's chest. ]

Especially then. I should probably thank Bruce for giving me your number one of these days.

[ His eyes fall quick, hands trailing over the familiar lines of Clark's torso before slipping under the hem to pull it up and off. ]

[ He likes the way the smile crosses TJ's features and changes, softens, his expression. When he feels the hands press to his chest, he almost reaches up to wrap his hands around his wrist, but stops when he pulls away to help Clark with his t-shirt. ]

So, the hard part is figuring out how to thank a man who has everything.

[ Bruce needs to visit him still, but that will have to wait. He has more pressing things to attend to. ]

I'll worry about that later. Right now, I only want to think about you.

[ TJ flashes a quick grin before tossing the shirt toward the small counter. He glances toward the narrow bath tub and tries to repress a laugh. There's no way they're going to be very comfortable in it. Maybe it's time to consider a more spacious place. ]

I suppose that'll be all right.

[ He says it, ducking his head a little, and a flush coming to his cheeks. It was amazing to him, sometimes, what he felt around TJ. They might have to consider a bigger place, but for now, it will do just as long as he has the other man there with him.

He climbs into the tub, hot water sloshing gently, and shifts so that there is (hopefully) enough room for them both. If not, he'll end up climbing out and that's fine too. As long as he's close.]

retired open post // will still tag in if threads are ongoing!

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